L.A. Story (1991)

In actor/director Steve Martin's existential, wacky, and surreal romantic fantasy-comedy set in the artificial, shallow city of Los Angeles:

• in the film's opening voice-over, Harris K. Telemacher (Steve Martin) introduced himself as he was riding a stationary bike in a park, and paraphrasing from William Shakespeare's Richard II play:
  • "My name is Harris K. Telemacher. I live in Los Angeles, and I've had seven heart attacks, all imagined. That is to say, I was deeply unhappy but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time. I have a favorite quote about L.A. by William Shakespeare. He said: 'This other Eden, demi-paradise, this precious stone set in the silver sea of this earth, this ground, this Los Angeles. Anyway, this is what happened to me, and I swear, it's all true."
• Harris' solution to LA gridlock was to buckle up his seatbelt, and like clockwork, take a detour through side-streets, over sidewalks and backyards and lawns to avoid the traffic, and later, in a road rage sequence, he fired his pistol at an aggressive water-delivery truck
• as Telemacher reported on the LA weather - "Wac-Wac-Wacky Weekend Weather!" - he threw SUN stickers at a Los Angeles area weather map and exclaimed: "Not weather, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun!"
• there were many gags about LA's lifestyle (i.e., the Walk/Don't Walk sign that read: "Like Uh Don't Walk")
• in one of the most memorable lines of dialogue, he amusingly thought to himself: "I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day"
• in the one-upsmanship lunch scene, individuals ordered designer coffees at a trendy restaurant: (Harris: "I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon"), and they also experienced an earthquake that no one paid attention to
• there was a brilliantly funny cameo by Patrick Stewart as a French-accented Maitre D' ("You zink with a bank statement like zis you can have ze duck?!")
• in the classic museum scene, Telemacher roller-skated past objets d'art, then described one painting to his friends as sexy:
  • "The way he's holding her. It's almost - filthy. I mean, he's, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her. Phew. Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really pretty torrid, don't you think? And of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind a doorway like they're all shocked. They wish! You know, when I see a painting like this, I get, uh, emotionally - erect."
• - and then it was revealed that the painting was only a large red rectangle!

Art Museum Scene

• during a lunch scene, Harris requested to know the name of carefree, playful Valley Girl and vapid airhead SanDeE* (Sarah Jessica Parker), and then commented on name variations: ("It's a nice name, but everybody has such weird names now, it's like Tiffany with a p-h-i, and instead of Nancy, it's Nanceen") - after spelling her name for him three times: ("big S, small a, small n, big D, small e, big E and there's a little star at the end"), she wrote it on his palm surrounded by a heart shape; after lunch, he told her: "It was a great lunch and enema, thanks!", and later, he reacted after touching her breasts: "SanDeE*, your... your breasts feel weird" with her unexpected reply: "Oh, that's 'cause they're real"

SanDeE* (Sarah Jessica Parker) - with Real Breasts

• a romance developed between Harris and British journalist Sara McDowel (Victoria Tennant), aided by electronic 'Freeway Condition' signs when they had car trouble and pulled over, as Harris explained in voice-over: ("There are two events in my life that I consider to be magical, that couldn't be explained scientifically. The first of them was about to happen") -- a Freeway Condition sign (!) began to flash messages at him, and at first he suspected he was being filmed, but then began to seriously take its advice about changing his life and romancing Sara: ("HIYA", "I SAID HIYA", "R U O K?", "DON'T MAKE ME WASTE LETTERS", "R.U.O.K.?", "HUG ME", "I SAID HUG ME", "I'M A SIGNPOST", "HUG ME", "PLEASE?", "THAT FELT GOOD", "I C PEOPLE N TROUBLE & I STOP THEM", "L.A. WANTS 2 HELP U", "U WILL KNOW WHAT 2 DO WHEN U UNSCRAMBLE HOW DADDY IS DOING", "IT'S A RIDDLE")
• there were powerfully romantic scenes, including the Enya-scored scene when he walked with Sara and they were magically transformed into children and then they kissed
• Harris spoke about summoning storms and winds (and changing the polarity of the earth so compasses wouldn't work) to prevent Sara from returning to London - as he kissed her passionately: ("Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true") - and all of the freeway signs flashed: "CONDITION CLEAR"
• he solved or rearranged the letters of the riddle: "HOW DADDY IS DOING" -- as -- "SING DOO WAH DIDDY"
• Harris gave a final summation of what he learned:
  • "There are only two things in my life I will never forget. One is that there is someone for everyone. Even if you need a pickax, a compass, and night goggles to find them. And the other is tonight. When I learned that romance does exist deep in the heart of A"
• the final humorous shot was of the freeway sign saying: "WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS DIRECT"